Surgery Day

I was so so nervous this morning when I went in. I was hoping that they would have given something to me to relax me, but the couldn't do it until I was in the OR because they needed me to get on the operating table.

The nurse that I had today, Susan, was very kind, reassuring and empathetic to our situation and us as a whole. She answered the questions I had, and she sat with us often to just talk and see how we were doing.

I was supposed to go into the OR for 11:15, but they were ready for me early at 10:45. I was even more scared because it was so much earlier than I was mentally ready for. I was so scared as they wheeled me into the OR that I was shaking so bad.

Finally, I was up on the operating room table, they gave me the meds in my IV and I don't remember anything until waking up in recovery room.

Apparently while was I was coming out of the anesthesia I asked the same 3 questions to every person who walked in the room.

1) Did everything go ok?
2) Am I ok?
3) Are you sure the baby was gone?

Sean says I asked the poor nurse the same questions about 5 times. Good thing she was very patient.

Somewhere in between my waking up and being perfectly with it, I just began to cry. I can't even remember why, I don't remember a trigger specifically. If I had to guess it was just all the stress of the past week, and the finality of it all today. The nurse said that sometimes the anesthesia just allows us to put down our guard and feel all of our feelings and it was a perfectly normal response.

Oh before the surgery happened, the OB came in to talk to me about the procedure and post op stuff, and one of the questions she asked was if I wanted to talk to a grief counselor that they collaborate with. I told her I didn't know yet and would think about it.

Fast forward to still coming out of the anesthesia haze, and I apparently asked her for the number. She told me she would call me at home and leave the number on the answering machine. I then apparently told her I wanted it now, to which Sean told her that leaving the number on our phone would be fine. But it kind of confirms for me that I do want to talk with this woman about all of this.

Tonight I am doing ok. Tired and crampy, sometimes very crampy with the contraction medication they gave me to help shrink my uterus back to size. Apparently the gestational sac was the size of a lemon, just to give you perspective. The cramping feels so strong, almost like I am in labor sometimes. But at least I will be done taking that medication on Friday.

Also what has been hard is that Ryan seems to know more about what is going on than I give him credit for. He has been walking around the house the past few days saying "No, baby, don't go." and "Baby, are you?" It's hard to hear him so upset, when I thought he was too young to even understand. All I can do is love him and tell him that this baby didn't make it, but someday there will be another.

The hospital gave me a pamphlet with my discharge paperwork from the Seacoast Pregnancy and Infant Loss Council. Inside is information about a support group that I will probably go to, as well as an Annual Memorial Service "to support the members of our community who have experienced a pregnancy or infant loss." It is on the 2nd Saturday of October.

They hospital also gave me a gift in their miscarriage paperwork, that made me feel happy. They gave me a little card, and inside the card was an envelope that said "A Special Memory" and inside was a little gold ring.




I had told Sean that I was thinking about making a necklace or something to remember the baby by, so when I got this it really made things feel a little better.

I don't have a gold chain for it, but right now it is on the chain that used to be my Aunt Ann's until the day she passed away, and my cousin took it off her neck and gave it to me, and said "She would want you to have this. She always thought of you as more a daughter than a niece." And I have been wearing it every day since then. So I feel baby Teagan's little memorial ring will have good company upon my Aunt's chain.


On the back of the pamphlet was a poem that is so sad, but true. I want to write it here so I can read it whenever I want, and always remember.

Precious, Tiny Sweet One

Author: Unknown

Precious tiny, sweet little one
You will always be to me
So perfect, pure, and innocent
Just as you were meant to be.

We dreamed of you and of your life
And all that it would be
We waited and longed for you to come
And join our family.

We never had the chance to play
To laugh, to rock, to wiggle
We long to hold you, touch you now
And listen to your giggle.

I'll always be your mother
He will always be your dad
You will always be our child
The child that we had.

But now you're gone but yet you're here
We'll sense you everywhere
You are our sorrow and our joy
There's love in every tear.

Just know our love goes deep and strong
We'll forget you never
The child we had, but never had
And yet will have forever.