I keep thinking it might get better

A wife who loses a husband is called a widow. A husband who loses a wife is called a widower. A child who loses his parents is called an orphan. But...there is no word for a parent who loses a child, that's how awful the loss is! - Neugeboren 1976, 154

As I sit here typing this, I am crying. The tears stain my face, and almost burn with the same intensity as the anger I am feeling today.

What a cruel joke my body is playing on me. It isn't supposed to be like this.

How can my body know that the baby won't be ok, so it terminates the pregnancy, but the placenta and the gestational sac continue to function. My body has yet to realize that the baby is gone.

I still have pregnancy symptoms. It's almost torturous to go through. What a terrible feeling to be pregnant, but not, all at the same time.

I found this quote from a blighted ovum support group online:

'I think my doctor summed it up perfectly when I told him my blighted ovum was probably for the better because I know it meant something was not right with the baby. He said, "It doesn't matter what the head knows, only the heart. And you've just had your dreams taken away, so it's okay to grieve for what you've lost." '

Sometimes I feel ok like I can talk about it all and not cry. Other times I am just a mess. This is one of the hardest things I have ever gone through. Waiting until Monday is just dragging. There is still a tiny glimmer of hope in my heart that maybe I conceived later than I thought. Maybe the baby is ok. But I don't want to optimistic. I want to think worst case scenario because it makes it easier for me to deal with to just know that the baby is gone. Then if they are wrong, it will be a happy time.

I talked with my Mother in Law last night. She invited us over for dinner. Which is good because neither Sean or I want to cook. We eat because we know we should. And it's not the healthiest food we could eat, it's just whatever we can find that's pretty much already made.

It was nice to talk to someone who has gone through it before. She could answer my questions about the D&C, and what I should expect and how much should I bleed and how long it should hurt.

She said that it's not really anything you "get over". It's something you will always remember, you just have to learn ways to cope with it. So that's what I am trying to do.

I have decided to name the baby, even though it was too little to even know what sex it was. We are going to look at gender neutral names. I just want to closure to know that there was a baby, even though it was a short period of time. I don't want to have to keep calling it "the baby" anymore. I think that the baby at least deserves an identity. A chance to be recognized.