I found a quote this morning that pretty well sums up how I am feeling today.
"As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it."
This is the 2nd stage of grief.
Yesterday was the first stage: shock and disbelief.
I had some cramping on Saturday and it concerned me, so I thought I would call my OB just to see what they recommended I did. She told me she would like me to come in for an ultrasound just to see how things were, but she was pretty sure that things were ok.
Being a long weekend, I had to wait until Tuesday to call. I called and they wanted to see me at 1:00.
I had to go alone because Aubrey was over and she and Ryan were taking naps.
I was excited and nervous. For some reason I was having this odd feeling that there might be twins. Strange feeling considering it doesn't run in either family.
The ultrasound technician called me in, and she tried to do the abdominal ultrasound, but she said that I was still too small to see anything. Not too uncommon in the first trimester.
She did a vaginal ultrasound and there was a screen on the wall so I could see what she was looking at too.
From reading other women's posts online of their ultrasounds, even weeks ago, I knew something was wrong. But I tried to say to myself, "Well, no I could be wrong. I'm not a doctor or a ultrasound technician, maybe I am wrong." But I think in my heart I knew.
On the ultrasound there was just a little sac inside my uterus. Nothing was inside. It was empty. She tried many different angles, with no luck. Finally she asked me "Do you have a follow up appointment after this?" I told her no and she said she would have a midwife or doctor talk to me and she left the room.
I sat in the ultrasound room for 15 minutes while she found someone to talk to me. I was pretty sure at this point that what I saw was right. I looked at the ultrasound screen. The last page was supposed to guess how old the fetus was and all it had was a "?"
She finally came back and brought me to a different room. At this point, it was all I could do not to burst into tears waiting for her to come in. When she did come it, I just wanted to blurt out "There's no baby, is there?" But I didn't. I waited patiently for her to introduce herself, and let her tell me the news that I already knew.
Then I cried. I cried so hard, and she told me she was sorry. Just for something to say during the awkwardness I told her that it was ok. She said something to me that made me feel a little better. "No, it's really not ok. And that's ok that its not."
When I had calmed down I asked her what my options were. She said my body could naturally miscarriage on its own, I could take a pill that would help with that process, or I could have a D&C.
She also told me that I am measuring more like 7 weeks, instead of 10. She said if I was more like 7, then it would be a little more likely that they would see an empy sac and everything be ok. But looking at the dates of my last period and when I got the positive test, she said she isn't very hopeful that that is the case.
She would like me to come back on Monday for a repeat ultrasound to make sure that maybe their dates were wrong. If there is no change, she went ahead and scheduled me for a D&C for next Tuesday. Otherwise I would have to wait another week before I could have it done.
I went home and shared the news with Sean. I don't think we have both cried so much. It's very heartbreaking. We both wanted this baby so much.
I look at Ryan and am so grateful that everything is ok. That at least I have him and he is healthy and happy. I really wanted to give him a sibling.
This has been a hard past 24 hours, and I am sure the only reason I was able to sleep last night was because I was purely exhausted.
I looked up some info online about what is going on with us, and I found that it sounds like we had a "Blighted Ovum":
"A blighted ovum is a type of miscarriage in which the baby either never develops or stops growing at a very early stage in pregnancy and then disintegrates -- but a gestational sac does develop and the body does not recognize that the baby is missing."
The causes: "Doctors believe that blighted ovums are the result of chromosomal abnormalities in the fertilized egg. One 1993 study looked at the genetics of blighted ovum miscarriages and found abnormal chromosomes in 67% of the samples. There is no evidence that blighted ovums are ever caused by anything the mom does or does not do."
Yesterday was the first stage: shock and disbelief.
I had some cramping on Saturday and it concerned me, so I thought I would call my OB just to see what they recommended I did. She told me she would like me to come in for an ultrasound just to see how things were, but she was pretty sure that things were ok.
Being a long weekend, I had to wait until Tuesday to call. I called and they wanted to see me at 1:00.
I had to go alone because Aubrey was over and she and Ryan were taking naps.
I was excited and nervous. For some reason I was having this odd feeling that there might be twins. Strange feeling considering it doesn't run in either family.
The ultrasound technician called me in, and she tried to do the abdominal ultrasound, but she said that I was still too small to see anything. Not too uncommon in the first trimester.
She did a vaginal ultrasound and there was a screen on the wall so I could see what she was looking at too.
From reading other women's posts online of their ultrasounds, even weeks ago, I knew something was wrong. But I tried to say to myself, "Well, no I could be wrong. I'm not a doctor or a ultrasound technician, maybe I am wrong." But I think in my heart I knew.
On the ultrasound there was just a little sac inside my uterus. Nothing was inside. It was empty. She tried many different angles, with no luck. Finally she asked me "Do you have a follow up appointment after this?" I told her no and she said she would have a midwife or doctor talk to me and she left the room.
I sat in the ultrasound room for 15 minutes while she found someone to talk to me. I was pretty sure at this point that what I saw was right. I looked at the ultrasound screen. The last page was supposed to guess how old the fetus was and all it had was a "?"
She finally came back and brought me to a different room. At this point, it was all I could do not to burst into tears waiting for her to come in. When she did come it, I just wanted to blurt out "There's no baby, is there?" But I didn't. I waited patiently for her to introduce herself, and let her tell me the news that I already knew.
Then I cried. I cried so hard, and she told me she was sorry. Just for something to say during the awkwardness I told her that it was ok. She said something to me that made me feel a little better. "No, it's really not ok. And that's ok that its not."
When I had calmed down I asked her what my options were. She said my body could naturally miscarriage on its own, I could take a pill that would help with that process, or I could have a D&C.
She also told me that I am measuring more like 7 weeks, instead of 10. She said if I was more like 7, then it would be a little more likely that they would see an empy sac and everything be ok. But looking at the dates of my last period and when I got the positive test, she said she isn't very hopeful that that is the case.
She would like me to come back on Monday for a repeat ultrasound to make sure that maybe their dates were wrong. If there is no change, she went ahead and scheduled me for a D&C for next Tuesday. Otherwise I would have to wait another week before I could have it done.
I went home and shared the news with Sean. I don't think we have both cried so much. It's very heartbreaking. We both wanted this baby so much.
I look at Ryan and am so grateful that everything is ok. That at least I have him and he is healthy and happy. I really wanted to give him a sibling.
This has been a hard past 24 hours, and I am sure the only reason I was able to sleep last night was because I was purely exhausted.
I looked up some info online about what is going on with us, and I found that it sounds like we had a "Blighted Ovum":
"A blighted ovum is a type of miscarriage in which the baby either never develops or stops growing at a very early stage in pregnancy and then disintegrates -- but a gestational sac does develop and the body does not recognize that the baby is missing."
The causes: "Doctors believe that blighted ovums are the result of chromosomal abnormalities in the fertilized egg. One 1993 study looked at the genetics of blighted ovum miscarriages and found abnormal chromosomes in 67% of the samples. There is no evidence that blighted ovums are ever caused by anything the mom does or does not do."
Coping: "Blighted ovum can be a traumatic diagnosis when it comes unexpected; like in chemical pregnancy, it can sound like there was never a baby. Friends and relatives may not understand why a woman grieves a blighted ovum. In a blighted ovum, it is true that the baby did not develop enough to be visible on ultrasound, but a conception did occur and the pregnancy did exist -- and it is OK to grieve the loss of the baby."
I completely agree with this. For the past 10 weeks, as far as I knew, I was pregnant and had a baby. It's hard not to grieve the loss of a baby that you think is in there, and are growing attached to.
I completely agree with this. For the past 10 weeks, as far as I knew, I was pregnant and had a baby. It's hard not to grieve the loss of a baby that you think is in there, and are growing attached to.
As to why I had pregnancy symptoms still: "
Since the placental tissue generates the making of pregnancy hormones, many women with a blighted ovum "feel pregnant" but are destined to lose the pregnancy.
. "Some good news: "
One's mind naturally moves to a point where a woman wonders, "will this happen again?" It has also been reported that a blighted ovum does not increase the risk of future miscarriage. The standard statistics vary, but my research indicated a 80-85% chance that the next pregnancy should carry to term."
And I will end with this: "A person's life is, unfortunately, forever changed by the loss of a baby. No one should have to experience the kind of pain that goes with such a loss. One moment there is a world of opportunities, with plans and hopes and dreams. Suddenly, they are all gone. It feels so unfair."
3 comments:
Glad you posted and glad to see you did research and know what's going on...You're a good mom.
Lots of hugs. I know nothing anyone "says" can really hope in a time like this, but you are in my prayers!
((hugs)) i know that right now, no words can make anything better, i only all to well remember the feeling that you are feeling. just know that i am thinking of you.
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